...There'd Be Fewer Virus Problems.

How can I make such a sweeping statement?

Do I not understand the needs and realities of modern business messaging? Yes, and yes. I propose a simple solution for large corporations (including the one that some of you reading work for). It's very simple and, you'll find it hard to believe, doesn't require that people stop using Microsoft Outlook (although that would pretty much reduce the bleeding of support funds to a trickle -- businesses these days simply [and stupidly] build into their budgets a bit of padding for 'outlook outbreaks').

So. A simple solution, eh? Yep. And I've even thrown in some Draconian bits to tame the lazy and/or dim-witted staff (who can't seem to get enough Dancing Baby and opening of attachments despite being told they'd have their hands cut off if they did it. "I didn't do anything, I swear! It opened by itself!").

Rule Number 1: Every e-mail containing an attachment must be digitally signed or it is not OK to open it. Period. Every user within the corporation must possess a digital signature and use it any time they include an attachment. A corporate or external keyserver should be put into place.

Rule Number 2a: Employees receiving attachments from outside parties must make it clear to said party that they will need to be able to verify their signature on any incoming attachments. They may exchange keys in plain text (it's ridiculously simple...) or they may use a keyserver. Whatever. Who cares. But they must have said key and be able to show it in case Rule 2b comes into play.

Rule Number 2b: Any employee opening an attachment that contains a virus must prove that:
a) They had the second party's key
b) The e-mail in question originated from said party and is signed
Personally, I would make this a zero tolerance rule to put the fear of god in them. It costs you more money in support to fight it than that person makes in a year, so don't be a wuss about it. Train them, explain it to them and let them know you're serious.

Rule Number 3: Outlook should be forced to NOT include the message body as an attachment (I'm looking at you, Ric) as it sometimes likes to do for those who can't resist a frill jpeg or gif in their signature (I'm looking at you, Russ) or, worse yet, include a background graphic for the message (I'm looking at you, Pamela). All e-mail should be plain text when originating internally. I would, being the bithc that I am, create consequences (say, 3 strikes and you're out).

Suggestion Number 1: Don't use Outlook. Does your company realise that this is the 'gateway drug'? Do you hear viruses being discussed in relation to any other e-mail software? No. And that's because Outlook makes it sickeningly easy for your people to screw up your business and cost you money in support and lost hours. In the end all that moaning about "but the calendaring...." will be for nothing as you'll have spent enough money fighting these outbreaks to have developed your own damned calendaring software. There are other solutions. Look into them and bite the damned bullet. Spend next year's Outlook Virus budget on installing something that will work for you, not against you.

Good night. God bless. And don't open any goddamned attachments unless your damned sure where it came from.